Svyatoslav Ponomarev, Moscow, Russia, 1999: Face to Infinity and Possibility of Transformation
Since the contractions of my awakening hit hard again a few months ago, I have become unable to not follow my yearnings. Some people call these urges direction. Purpose. Inspiration. Guidance. But for me, it arises from a pure place of d e s i r e.
A place that I tried so hard for so long to reach. But looking on the past few years of this incarnation, leading up to the woman I am right now, today … I can see that each moment (even in it's frustration) lined up divinely for me to be where I am and who I am at this precise moment.
What is so striking to me is that the intensity of this last phase of awakening (which I'm sure is in no way the last phase) I have simply become so much of what I have strived to be. I have just become. I stopped trying to do and instead just started BEING.
Not that it was easy. My ego has been a real bitch the past few months. I had to take a step away from my business in order to give space to this arrival of awareness in my life, but at the time I had no idea that I would be having a "Feminine Awakening in September". I didn't even know what a Feminine Awakening was!
So like I said, some of this awakening is because a part of me knew that something was coming, and I had to fully step back, without attachment to the things I was creating in the world, to rest. I had to literally press pause. Which sounds all, "ohhhh she's so lucky! … she got to just kick back!" … um NO. It has been a bitch of a time wrestle with my inner knowing that something big was coming and I had to create the space for it and actually DOING that, especially in a society that doesn't understand or uphold the virtues of intuition.
So part of the awakening arrived was because of the difficult journey of making space for it, and part of it is because a few KEY pieces had fallen into place over time. The main piece? DESIRE. My awareness (and reality) has shifted so dramatically recently that I have no choice but to follow these yearnings and desires because they are what make me feel alive. They are what make me feel connected. They are what make me feel like I'M FINALLY FIGURING IT OUT!
Cue in the Divine Feminine. I was introduced to the fact that I had no relationship to my feminine nature very recently. Like 3 months ago recently. The whole reason I started this site recently. As I've mentioned before, this is site is as much a vehicle for my personal expression as it is an opportunity to wrangle in as many women as possible, to help them wake up too. So many of us are craving this connection. This relationship to a part of ourselves that we know is missing. And what's missing? THE FUCKING UNADULTERATED WILD AND FREE FEMININE … and connections with other women who are tuned into their feminine!
It has been striped and shamed and tamed from us. Which is the biggest gas of all, because as women, we might have been subdued but that doesn't mean we have forgotten. It doesn't mean we have forgotten the pain or the power that lies in our cellular memory or that we aren't aware of something going on in the collective unconscious that beats upon our brains like a constant rapping on our door that wont stop.
One of my good friends is aware of my recent obsession with the WILD DIVINE FEMININE and shared that her grandmother had been a feminine religious scholar. My heart perked right up at the thought of this beautiful woman who had woken up so many years before me in such a suppressed culture, who had shared her gifts with women through trudging through the historical accounts of the broken feminine within our world, in order to make so easy for me to grasp each resource that has been so pivotal in my awakening.
So anyway, Grannie gave me some books to borrow from her personal library! I was ironically not drawn immediately to the one on Mary Magdalene (maybe because I am reading one called The Meaning of Mary Magdalene by Cynthia Bourgault that is blowing.my.mind). So I picked up Teresa de Avila instead, and have been learning how she so magnificently navigated the spiritually ignorant masculine of the time, by being self-deprecating and denunciatory of her own abilities as a woman. In her writings, she belittled herself to no end, and I have to say, even though it makes me kind of angry that she was placed in this position because she was so much more spiritually connected than the men condemning her for it, it was kind of genius.
She did what she had to in order to speak her truth. To get out her unique divine message, in a way for her times, was still radical in the 16th century. But the beauty is, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE. We don't have to tiptoe. We don't have to be quiet. We don't have to pretend that we don't have power. We don't have to hide!
There are still those who are threatened by female power for sure, like that grievously unfortunate experience recently where a woman was burned alive in Paraguay for being a "witch".
But again, the beauty is that as women, we DO have the ability to wake up in society right now. We have the ability to discover the yearnings that drive our desires. We have the ability to stand up for the women who don't have the ability to do so. We have the ability to look back on our lives and see how detached our desires have been from the truth and magnificence of what a woman really is. We RISE for that woman who burned recently, and all of the other women who were burnt. We RISE because we can now.
Are you getting it by now? THIS IS THE TIME TO RISE.
A deep sadness comes from the fact that I didn't even know that I was a pawn in the patriarchal game. Precisely what a misogynistic society desired. To keep me so small and shamed that I never woke back up. But they didn't really win because I'm here now. I'm awake now, and I now know that, that as my sweet sister Sarah says, women love and love is magic and magic heals. And that is what we as women are here for ....
IS. TO. LOVE and to let the magic of our love unfurl and heal humanity. To nurture and bring other beings to life. The power of a woman isn't just in giving life, in giving birth … it's in reviving others. Because once I revive myself, I can revive you to. Once I wake up, you can wake up. Once I can awaken, you can awaken. And once you awaken, you can arise.
And you ARISE by getting in touch with the deeply sacred and sensual feminine desires that reside within you.
So back to the beginning, yes. My yearnings. My desires. They are all in service of the Divine Feminine. And I see now, looking back, that they always have been.
The whole reason I started my coaching business was entirely to help women heal their relationships with themselves so that they could go out and heal the world.
And then, a little over a year ago, a few years after my coaching biz was born, I was at a business event for female entrepreneurs, put on by a brilliant woman, who had another brilliant woman at the event giving a presentation. She led us through an incredibly beautiful visualization about what we were here to do, what was it we were HERE for. And the brilliance that was transmitted to me that day was that I'm here to help LIBERATE. I'm here to help women s e e themselves. To see the raw beauty and power of who they are.
And the way I do that is by seeing the raw beauty and power of who I AM.
So then about 6 months ago, I was struggling to get clients within my coaching business, and I was supposed to meet with a new client via phone, and she never showed, she literally disappeared into the ethers. And I was slightly shocked but also took this as a sign from the universe ... because my life is full of signs.
So I happened to be sitting at a fantastic raw cafe in Denver, when I was supposed to take the call to work with her ... and when she didn't show, I just sat. I sat with my journal and wrote at the top of the page WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Everything at that moment felt so hard. In my mission to liberate others I felt like I needed to be liberated.
But I started writing. I was really into the chakras that day, and being a coach that works with women around body image issues, limiting beliefs and "weight" I honed in on the issues within each chakra. It was trancelike. I couldn't stop writing. I didn't even know if the words I was writing had to do with the chakra I was writing about, but I did it anyway. What I ended up with was a complete chakra guide to liberate the female form, which is part of the material that I'm going to be sharing in the workshop I'm hosting on the Winter Solstice about The Art of Liberation. Following that urge to write that day was a desire. I was so lit up and turned on and knew I was onto something even thought I didn't know what it was, I couldn't stop writing.
And the thing I've realized about my whole purpose, the entirety of my mission to liberate women, isn't about ME, this is just about disseminating awareness that arises within me, so that I can share it with you. That's all this is, is awareness. Because awareness is what leads to liberation. When I am aware of something within myself, I am able to find liberation from that awareness. And as with me, so with you.
So, what do you DESIRE? What do you WANT? Don't feel guilty. Don't feel embarrassed. Figure it out, what will make you feel TURNED ON MY LIFE? The Sacred Feminine is ALL ABOUT DESIRES.
Spirituality? Community? Intimacy? Stability? Connection? Play? Sensuality? Fulfillment? Sacred Sex? Movement? Abundance?
Feeling guilty or shameful about your desires? Please don't. If your desires brush up against something that is edgy for you, know that it is OKAY, and that whatever that particular desire is, that it is probably meant to help heal you in some way.
Sexual and sensual desires got you feeling uptight? Just unwind your panties please. Women are meant to be sensual and sexual, in UNION with the masculine in order to not only elevate ourselves but for the possible elevation of a l l. You being true to your sensuality and sexuality is only a HEALTHY thing that will not only help you heal but help everyone that you come in contact with as a result. Because that's what happens, once you heal yourself, you heal others. Consciously or unconsciously, it will happen whether you want it to or not, that's the beauty of energy.
Remember, your desires are bigger than you. Bringing awareness to your desires, acting on your desires and living your desires is what brings you into alignment with the Divine Feminine. And that is sacred. Your desires are SACRED.
So be specific and be true. Your desires will lead to your liberation. Embrace them shamelessly. Even if you don't understand them at the moment, if you stay open and aware, the meaning of your desires will reveal themselves when the time is right.
If you dig this post, please share it. Share it with the women in your life that you see every day and share it socially with the women you connect with digitally. This whole movement is about sharing and connection. What you love someone else will love, what helps you grow will help another grow. So if you feel called to, please share, xx.
